AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!