Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

This is not me but this is me

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No