Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Imagine asking me, âWhat that mouth do?â
And I say, âCome and find out .â
Now itâs the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, itâs not your wife and youâre at the Waffle House drunk again.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If the pandemic has taught us anything, itâs how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
đđš
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I was uninvited to âdrop itâ because we couldnât hear YoncĂ© over my Rice Krispie knees.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well heâs not going to kick EIGHT of us
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
my niece: I love dogs! Theyâre so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)