You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
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I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.