Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right