the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
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Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.