Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
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[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Monday?
No. Next question.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower