My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
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Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.