I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
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Who did it better?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: