This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
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ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
based al yankovic
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
May have had one breakfast too many
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”