I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
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Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
my nickname in college
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
They got Raph!
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”