They got Raph!
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friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what