Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Fiction has to make sense.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

A male goth is called a broth.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

this was the best i’ve ever seen

ok this is my dumbest yet

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down