interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”