once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.