I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
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I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…