I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I triple waxed for this?
titanic
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The biggest mystery of our time
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.