7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
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For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
He’s cranky this morning
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Basketball
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.