Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

no their not

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!