Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.