What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
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Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me