Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please