Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
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this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Ugh
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.