No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.