When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me trying to look natural in photos
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.