philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
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JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.