When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Doggies just call it style.