*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
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Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Unexpected Judgment
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?