Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I occasionally drink every single night.
“i am a sweet baby”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga