Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.