They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
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the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.