I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
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If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”