ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.