Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
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My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.