Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Finally, a door that understands me
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.