It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Spring of Deception
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”