A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
good work, detective
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.