I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Look at this
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”