“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess