“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
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ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
it is time once again
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A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?