it is time once again
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.