I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I can’t be the only one 😂
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
selfie game
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.