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FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
He took my last fry, your honor
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?