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Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task