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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Note to self: I am a note
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard