My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money