Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
#Caturday
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.