Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”