When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
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The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
mood
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$