Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
But I really needed water water water
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun