It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me: