I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?