What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
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Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”