@DionneMcNutt

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

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@mattZillaaaa

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

@disco_bird

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

@RickAaron

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

@hipstermermaid

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!






2015: Taco Emoji!

@bogadafet

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience