Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
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Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.